[	Current Mood	|	calm	]
[	Current Music	|	Mariella	]

A day off! wahoo!.

I am bored.

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exhausted

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What hurts the most? Many women would respond with breaking up with a loved boyfriend, some guys may respond with the same about the ending of their relationship. But does that really hurt the most? There is still a chance for you to talk to that person, and that you can see that person again in your lifetime. The separation can be fixed. It is not impossible. They still exist.

What do I think hurts the most? Losing a loved one. When the only thing you have left of them are memories that you try your hardest to hold on to. But in time, the memories fade and you cannot stop it from happening. After a while you find yourself trying to remember what they last said to you? What did their voice sound like? what did they look like? It is something you cannot help, because when someone dies, there is no chance of seeing them around town, or a phone call just to hear that voice. They no longer exist, you cannot touch them or see them. You cannot hold them when you are sad and lonely. Is it enough to talk out loud to them, waiting for a response, that you know you will never get. But you talk anyway. It is your only comfort, hoping that they are listening. In time, you will be glad the way things turned out with a relationship ending. You may possibly find someone new and more loving. You will forget about the relationship in a positive way. But when you loose someone you love, the lose will stick with you for the rest of your life, and it will kill you inside when you try so hard to remember that person.
That is what hurts the most: Forgetting the lost, and knowing that you have done so.

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tired

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Here is a email I wrote to David. Easier to copy and past then to retype it all.

am really sorry to have to write this email, but I must because I won't be able to email you for a while. Though I don't want you to worry, I want to at least let you know why. Last night a friend and I had to walk back to the dorms from a party about a mile away. By time we got two houses down, I started to have an asthma attack. I did not have any of my medications with me because my roommate took my purse back already. I blacked out. The next thing I know I am across the hall in my friends room sitting on his lap still trying to breathe. There was like 20 people in the room so that just made it stressful for me, so it got so bad to were I just stopped breathing. My inhalers did absolutly nothing. I remember everyone crying, even the guys. My RA called the police and the ambulance. And I remember everyone cursing asking why it was taking so long for the ambulance to come.

They asked me so many questions and I became overwellmed and blacked out again. They took so much blood that I just kept passing out. They got me breathing again but they couldn't get my heart rate to stabilize. They stuck so many of this weird sticky paper with a metal button looking thing all over my body and had wires and IVs and a bunch of things I couldn't explain to you if I really tried. It took the doctors and nurses 9 hours to get my heart stable. I was there for what seem like days, and I wasn't allowed to sleep because every time I did I would stop breathing and my heart would unstabilize then all these annoying monitors would go off. I don't want to tell you my diagnostics because it is pretty bad. The only thing that bothered me was I was so alone. I didn't have my family there. None of my friends. I even tried to befriend the RN but she always left me alone. At one point I tried to run away from the hospital lol. It was soon after one of the times I had blacked out and did not realize all the wires attached to me. So all the monitors went off and like 10 nurses and doctors came in and strapped me to the bed saying I cannot over exert myself or something. I laughed and told them I just wanted to pee.

When they finally got my heart rate stable, they waited an hour and then said I can go. I got all dressed and ready to go, then realized that I had no one. I did not have my phone to call anyone and I did not remember numbers, I freaked and stopped breathing again. Here we go again! I just blacked out, and when I woke up my friend Scott was there. He told me we can leave whenever I am ready. That made me so so happy. I have to use a wheel chair now. That sucks. Plus I have to go back to the hospital Monday to get tests as to why my heart could not stabilize. I will be there for quite some time as to the reason I cannot email you for a while. If it is going to be longer than expected I will mail you a letter. I am so sorry you had to read this. I hope your not mad.

So last night, is going to leave me with a extreme post...but not now, I have not eaten in almost 24 hours....